Speaking French

"It's like the French have a different word for everything."

- Steve Martin

"You know what I'd really want to speak? I'd like to learn how to speak French, cuz that's some cool shit, French. You can say 'I gotta shit' in French and it would sound good."

- Eddie Murphy

Recently, I made a reference to "yet another reason to hate the damn French". In the interest of fairness, I would like to examine a very valid reason to like the French: their language turns chicks on. All you have to say is "Oui, oui" and women start drooling all over themselves, even though, in essence, it's no different than saying "wee-wee".

But I like to think of myself as a guy who can adapt to just about any given set of circumstances. So, with that in mind, I have now mastered three sentences in French:

1. Sont les mots qui vont tres bien ensemble.

2. Apres tous les beaux jours je te dis merci merci.

3. Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir?

I believe any or all of these may come in handy at some point in time, especially should I travel to Quebec... or (shudder) France itself.And before you even ask, yes, I know what all three mean. However, our friends at Babelfish are much more efficient at translating than I could ever hope to be:

1. These are words that go together well.

2. After all the beautiful days I say to you thank you thank you.

3. Do you want to sleep with me this evening?

Astute readers may recognize these sentences as occurring in popular songs over the years. Mere coincidence, I assure you.

So, anyway, there's my plan: To conquer the French language (and in so doing, to turn chicks on) one sentence at a time. If all else fails, I can always fall back to the old Cheech & Chong catch-phrase:

Parlez-vous humma humma?