[WARNING: May be boring. For the most part, not funny. Please feel free to skip this post.]
These thoughts will probably come out in jumbled fashion. C'est la vie, as the French would say. (Yet another reason to hate the damn French!)
With the passage of twenty-four hours, the feeling of shock that I experienced yesterday has slowly metamorphosized into a feeling of dread. It's almost like someone who awakens from a horrible car accident to find that they've lost a leg. It's a total shock to your emotional system. Later (or in my case, today), the person is faced with the realization that this loss is very real, it's not going away, and things will most likely never be the same again. I feel like someone has attached a vacuum cleaner to me, and sucked out every shred of my soul.
I have never connected so perfectly with someone, on so many levels. I am certain that she didn't give the whole thing enough time. However, I have said to her everything I can possibly think of to say, so at this point, all I can do is let it be. This is my "realization moment", I suppose. Sadly, I am wondering if I will ever connect so completely again. This was not the first time I've been in love. Hell, I've been married twice (hush, you people who say those two things are not mutually exclusive). But I've never been in love like this. There were no doubts. No red flags. No incompatibilities. Everything clicked. Pefectly. Like a finely-tuned Lamborghini.
I keep hoping that, after she goes a few days without talking to me, she will realize what she's missing out on, and how much we both stand to lose. There is something beautiful and magical between us, something legendary, something most people would be jealous of, and would kill to have. However, the realist part of me acknowledges that the odds of such a revelation on her part are extremely slim. If I were like the typical jerk, I'd just say, "It's her loss." But honestly, it's a HUGE loss for both of us. This kind of connection is rare. Many people NEVER find it. To think that one might find it once, discard it hastily, then find another one... well, I think it's more likely that I might win the Mega Millions three weeks in a row.
So, that's where I'm at today. Not in such a violent emotional turmoil as I was yesterday. Just the terrible reality settling in, that something is seriously wrong inside my heart, that there is a huge, gaping emptiness inside of me... and it's going to be here for a long time. That, and the tears.
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